I woke up and decided I was going to get some things off of my chest about love and relationships because it felt right. Today, the sun is shining and my father is 47. My mother wrote him a heartfelt note in a card and my stomach fluttered; I love what they share. Even more, I love that I’m a product of it.
But that’s not the point of this post. The point of this post is to tell myself this, “You can’t do the same things and expect different results.” I think Einstein said that’s the definition of insanity, or something. Yes, the cliché rings true because a person can be ready for all the world has to offer but still trip up on love because they knew what it took to get that old feeling and try to repeat the process. It’s not about the old feeling, there’s a reason that didn’t work. We’re trying to work towards new feelings with better outcomes, right? Evidently, I missed the memo. I got scolded in the car while complaining about a man (boy?) and my mother simply ended with, “What did you expect? You say you want these things (marriage, companionship, kids…), but you’re not setting yourself up to receive them.” Needless to say, I got tight-lipped and we spent the rest of the ride in silence while I contemplated all the reasons I was angry, the main one being, she was right. (She usually is, but this time it felt different.)
No matter how much trust, respect, care, or love you have for someone you must have a mutual knowledge of where those things will take you. In my case, things were turbulent with no purpose. It was like riding a bullet train with no destination, so when it came to a screeching halt, I was disoriented and lost. The worst part is, I’d finally unpacked my bags from before, so I was ready for something new, and it felt great having someone new in my life, but I made the same mistakes. Now I’m at the train station, by myself, with a suitcase I don’t even like. Baggage works that way, there’s the good stuff you want to carry around and share, and the bad stuff you feel burdened by. And that’s what happens when you don’t wise up and change your dating habits, that ugly suitcase will walk right out of your closet to collect your hurt, your bitter, and all those other feelings that came with previous failed prospects. Don’t get me wrong, in every negative there’s a positive and a lesson. But what good is learning the same lesson if you never apply it? You have to graduate sometime. That’s what my mom was trying to say in the car that day, and she has 21 years of marriage to prove it.